DAY NINE – All quiet on the farming front. The sun made an appearance, enough to get me keen enough to hang out the washing, but now is just white fog and can’t see anything. At least its not raining.
The black pig was foaming at the mouth this morning – it was either super excited to be fed or has rabies – decided not to go into the pen just in case.
The heifers have returned, bronzed and relaxed after their trip to somewhere sunny. Wandered over to ask if perhaps they had brought me a souvenir, maybe some duty free gin. They said no. I said that bikini strap marks are very unflattering and stomped away in a huff.
Alpha Male returns home in a few days. Am starting to have panic attacks. At some point before he left we agreed that I’d have the spare room painted before his return – I’m pretty sure I was drunk at the time though, so that can’t possibly count. And anyway shouldn’t painting be a team effort – him pushing the paint roller and me yelling “you missed a bit!”
I sit in the spare room, eating chocolate, pondering what to do. Am in a bit of a pickle.
Decide to write a list of realistic excuses as to why the job never got done, he’s very understanding, am sure he will see reason. The list is a bit pathetic and I’m not sure he will buy it. It says things like:-
1. It was raining, felt certain the paint would never dry.
2. The babies are so demanding and take up all my time.
3. Am a lazy cow. (well he may believe that one).
Instead I rummage through my clothes and find sexy lingerie. Positive this will sidetrack him. Practise my best ‘come to bed‘ face in the mirror. Look a bit constipated.
Will instead fake an injury. Spend quite some time wrapping bandages around limbs, limping and pulling a pained expression. Excellent. He’s sure to fall for it.My list writing has lead to writing a lengthy and comprehensive list for Alpha Male –Things To Do When You Return. He’ll love this, he responds to lists in a positive and calm manner and I’m sure he’ll willingly work his way through them and easily meet the week long deadline I’ve given him.
1. Fix ensuite toilet.
2. Build railing on front patio.
3. Build covered porch out back so we can leave messy gumboots there instead of front door.
4. Build calf shelters.
5. Build chook homes.
It goes on and on, won’t bore you with the details. Number 100. on the list is Find a full-time, well paid job that enables you to stay at home and never leave your wife to run the place again.
Bit worried about this last one and may delete it. Could lead to tricky questions as to why I’m not looking for a full-time (or even part-time) job. Will now have to prepare yet another list “1001 Reasons For Me Not To Get A Job“.
DAY NINE cont – Visit from the Father-in-law. Limped to door, swathed in bandages, whimpering for extra effect.
“What happened to you?” he asked.
” Don’t you remember me falling off the ladder nine days ago just as I was about to start painting?” I exclaimed.
“Don’t be ridiculous. This is the first time I’ve seen you this way. Are you sure you’re not faking it so Alpha Male doesn’t find out you never intended to paint”, he said.
Hhmmm, now only have 2 days to convince the Father-in-Law he is suffering from dementia or else my plan will fail.
Decide to do a full-on bake-a-thon. Alpha Male will find the aroma of fresh baking soothing plus if he’s really cranky with me at least I’ll have comfort food on hand. Now regretting my decision to make biscuits first, feeling a tad nauseated from eating all the raw biscuit dough.
DAY TEN – Needless to say Alpha Male either can’t count or lied intentionally because he won’t be back until sometime on the weekend. Grumble grumble.
And its just another one of those crappy arse days that just got worse and worse.
Remember the last set of twins who were born in the rain? Well one of them has been rather dopey, slow at feeding etc. Whenever I tried to feed it it seemed disinterested so I took that to mean it was getting enough from mum. Who’s the dope. Today I found it in the barn unable to stand and in very bad shape. Mum was bellowing for it outside (which was what alerted me in the first place) and now whenever she seems me she bellows and looks at me accusingly. Hello! She’s the flaming mother, surely she’s the responsible one? Anyhow, took the lamb inside and tried to figure out my next move. Was cold, put it by the fire and attempted to get electrolytes down its throat (at this stage had no idea as to what was wrong course of action). Not much success, so took the lamb to father-in-laws place so it could be force fed, this time with milk. The force feeder is a plastic tube that goes down the lambs throat, making sure you don’t get it into its lungs or obviously will die. I’m petrified of the force feeder.
So the deed was done, and I was handed a force feeder with instructions to feed again in 2 hours using the tube if necessary.
Went home dejected and traumatised. Dumped lamb in front of fire and decided to end it all. Walked over to the steers, lunged through the gate and flung myself down in the mud before them.
“End it now. Eat me! I can’t take it anymore”, I wailed.
The steers snickered. “You’re kidding right? You do realise we’re herbivores, we don’t eat meat, especially wouldn’t touch a lunatic like you”.
Well that just takes the cake! Am pissed off no-one thought to tell me this. Am extra annoyed because now I have extra muddy clothes to wash.
Trudged back home to feed sick lamb. Wouldn’t take it from the bottle so had to try the force feeder. Tried 3 times to get it in with no success. Secretly fearing drowning lamb to death. Very stressed. Took lamb to mother-in-law to do, she made it look very easy. She mentioned maybe it had phnemonia. I did further research and its either that or watery mouth. Went to the vet and got penicillin and this is the terrible part, had to inject drugs into its neck. Felt like throwing up. Alpha Male owes me a trip away big time, although I will settle for dinner at the local Thai Restaurant and a box of chocolates.
And now I know that the father-in-law really hates me. Received a phone call to say he just bought me 95 in-lamb OLD WILD ewes. “Lets see how quick you can kill these ones” he cackled. They arrive tomorrow…..